How I Joined The Moms Group From Hades

A FEW MONTHS AGO, eager to meet new Mom’s in the area, I joined a social group we’ll nickname “The Cool & Robust Mothers” through meetup.com. Prior to paying the member fee, I e-mailed the groups founder for an explanation of its policy requiring a photo submission for membership approval. I wanted to ensure there was no sign of discrimination and inquire if the group was racially diverse. The founder emphatically assured me that she simply required a photo for identification purposes and the group was very diverse in age, race and lifestyle. Satisfied with her answer, I paid the $12 non-refundable membership fee and accessed the members-only page to sign up for upcoming events.

THE FIRST EVENT was a trip to a local festival downtown. “The Cool & Robust Mothers” were to meet at 2 p.m. inside the toddler tent. Sun glaring and heat blazing, I packed the kids in the car to head downtown to meet - what I hoped to be - a friendly group of strangers. We managed to get the tent 10 minutes after 2 p.m., despite the horrendous parking conditions. As we approached, I didn’t see anyone remotely resembling a member pictured on the site. In fact, I didn’t even see a cluster of people socializing as if they were members of a group. I let the kids play for a good twenty minutes before we headed home to beat the heat. Upon asking about it later, I was informed that the group met at the tent briefly at 2 p.m. before dispersing into the overcrowded festival grounds. I thought it was strange that they didn’t stick around for a period of time to welcome the rest of us who planned to meet, but decided it was just a fluke.

OPTOMISTIC AND STILL PLEASED that the event calendar was full, I signed up to attend “The Backyard Olympics”. The event was to be held at a member’s home and the description listed food, organized games and swimming on the agenda. After several failed attempts to RSVP online, I e-mailed the groups founder who encouraged me to plan to attend. Several other members left comments on the site detailing similar issues, so I didn’t worry. Days later, we arrived to the home and followed another Mom with her daughter into the backyard. As we approached the patio, I immediately recognized the host from her online photo. She glanced at us briefly, but failed to greet us, instead allowing a woman sitting to her right to welcome us. Afterward, the two quickly resumed their conversation.

GLANCING AROUND, I could see that zero effort had been put into the event. There was food: A small plate of melted chocolate chip cookies, a cooler with a pack of popsicles and a small bowl of broken tortilla chips sat on the table. There were no organized games. Instead, the host had outdoor toys strewn about her yard. Visibly dirty with parts missing, you could tell they were well worn and in poor condition. The swimming was to be held in a refillable kiddie pool clouded with dirt and water. My instincts were to leave, but my manners got the best of me as I opted to let the kids play in the yard and while I made small talk.

THE WOMAN WHO ARRIVED WITH ME stated that she was also new to the group and this was her second event. Unfortunately for her, she’d previously attended a bowling night out. She was the first to arrive and waited patiently with her children until one other Mom showed up (very late) and apologizing for the lack of participation. With each RSVP the event host and group’s founder is notified, so I found it deplorable that both were non-shows and would allow a new member to arrive alone. Talk about R-U-D-E! The host never spoke to me directly, though I noticed her try to inconspicuously snap photos of me and my children. After an hour, I made a mental note to send her an e-mail about the photos, thanked the host and the kids and I made our escape.

ONCE HOME, I sent the host a polite e-mail advising her to refrain from posting any photos of me or my children online as she had no authorization to take any. I also sent an e-mail to the group’s founder advising her of my experience with both events. Clearly these events were poorly organized and both were poorly attended. I also mentioned the host’s unwelcoming and peculiar behavior. So far, the only members I’d met were young (early 20’s), Caucasian, military wives - so this group hadn’t turned out to be diverse at all. Ironically, after sending the e-mails, I read one awaiting me in my inbox from the groups founder chastising members for failure to attend events to which they had RSVP’D. My “helpful” e-mail resulted in being immediately blocked from the group – the listed reason “Rudeness” (though I call it “Caring Candor”). Though the event wasn’t well attended, I later learned that the host refused to speak to me because she didn’t receive my RSVP. However, I later had meetup.com representatives remove the unauthorized images of my family posted on the site by the same host (go figure). That was my first and last experience joining a social group through meetup.com.

$12 and 2 hours of my life wasted, I now bring you 3 helpful tips:

  • Don’t  join a group unless you know at least one member. As with anything in life, obtaining a referral is always best.
  • Avoid groups that require an upfront fee before you can attend an event. Many reputable social groups allow you the opportunity to attend one or more events to assess whether it is a good fit for you - BEFORE paying for membership.
  • Ask the groups founder about any possible issues with nonparticipation before joining. It doesn’t matter if the group has outings 3 times a week if only 2 out of 200 people actually show up.

Note: If you join a social group and attend an event, be very vocal about whether you authorize anyone to capture your image and if you want it online. (I am currently active in a local social group and I ALWAYS ask permission before taking pictures of members for the webpage - but don’t assume others will be as considerate!)

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